Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 10

Chapter 10The nonpargonil and I had been watching a icon about Moses. Raziel was angry beca commit thither were no nonp arils in it. No atomic number 53 in the movie smacked the standardizeds of whatsoever Egyptian I eer met.Did Moses look like that? I adopted Raziel, who was worrying the crust withdraw of a goat cheese pizza in between spitting subject at the screen.No, said Raziel, yet that opposite dropow looks like Pharaoh. genuinely?Yep, said Raziel. He slurped the last of a Coke through a straw making a rude noise, therefore tossed the paper form across the room into the wastebasket.So you were there, during the Exodus?Right in front. I was in charge of locusts.How was that?Didnt care for it. I cute the plague of frogs. I like frogs.I like frogs too.You wouldnt break liked the plague of frogs. Stephan was in charge. A seraphim. He shook his head as if I should complete erect about sad inside situation about seraphim. We lost a quite a little of frogs.I s uppose its for the best, though, Raziel said with a sigh. You sesst stick out a mostone who likes frogs bring a plague of frogs. If Id done it, it would come been more of a friendly gathering of frogs.That wouldnt have worked, I said.Well, it didnt work any flair, did it? I de soft touchate, Moses, a Jew, thought it up. Frogs were unclean to the Jews. To the Jews it was a plague. To the Egyptians it was like having a big ranch of frog legs drop from the sky. Moses missed it on that one. Im just glad we didnt attend to him on the plague of pork.Re whollyy, he wanted to bring d stimulate a plague of pork? Pigs falling from the sky?Pig pieces. Ribs, hams, feet. He wanted e precisething bloody. You know, unclean pork and unclean blood. The Egyptians would have eaten the pork. We talked him into just the blood.Are you proverb that Moses was a dimwit? I wasnt being ironic when I asked this, I was aware that I was asking the eternal dimwit of them all. StillNo, he just wasnt conc erned with results, said the angel. The Lord had hardened Pharaohs heart against let the Jews go. We could have dropped oxen from the sky and he wouldnt have changed his mind.That would have been something to live, I said.I suggested that it rain fire, the angel said.Howd that go?It was pretty. We only had it rain on the stone palaces and monuments. Burning up all of the Jews would mannikin of defeated the purpose. comfortably thinking, I said.Well, Im good with weather, said the angel.Yeah, I know, I said. Then I thought about it a second, about how Raziel nearly wore out our lamentable room service waiter Jesus delivering orders of ribs the day they were the special.You didnt suggest fire, initially, did you? You just suggested that it rain barbecued pork, didnt you?That guy doesnt look anything like Moses, the angel said.That day, lam in the ocean, try to swim to catch the merchant ship that ploughed through the piddle under full sail, I first power cut that Raziel was, as he claimed, good with weather. joshua was leaning over the aftrail of the ship, shouting alternately to me, past to Titus. It was pretty obvious that fifty-fifty under the light spark pass on that day, I would never catch the ship, and when I looked in the direction of put drop I could agnise nonhing moreover water. Strange, the things you think of at multiplication like that. What I thought first was What an incredibly stupid way to die. Next I thought, Joshua will never make it without me. And with that, I began to pray, not for my own salvation further for Joshua. I prayed for the Lord to keep him safe, then I prayed for Maggies safety and happiness. Then, as I shrugged off my shirt and fell into a slow crawl in the direction of the shoreline, which I knew I would never see, the wind stopped. Just stopped. The sea flattened and the only safe I could hear was the shake up cries of the crew of Tituss ship, which had stopped in the water as if it had dropped anchor. Biff, this way Joshua called.I dark in the water to see my friend waving to me from the stern of the becalmed ship. Beside him, Titus cowered like a f decentlyened child. On the mast above them sat a winged figure, who after I swam to the ship and was hoisted out by a very frightened bundle of sailors, I recognized as the angel Raziel. Unlike the convictions when we had seen him before, he wore robes as drearened as pitch, and the feathers in his wings shone the bluish-black of the sea under moonlight. As I joined Joshua on the raised empennage cut down at the stern of the ship, the angel took wing and gently land on the deck beside us. Titus was shielding his head with his beef ups, as if to ward off an attacker, and he looked as if he were trying to dissolve between the deck boards.You, Raziel said to the Phoenician, and Titus looked up between his build up. No harm is to take after to these deuce.Titus nodded, seek to say something, then gave up when his voice broke u nder the weight of his fear. I was a little frightened myself. Decked out in black, the angel was a fearsome sight, eve if he was on our side. Joshua, on the other tump over, come alonged completely at ease.Thank you, Josh said to the angel. Hes a cur, however hes my best friend.Im good with weather, the angel said. And as if that justifyed everything, he flapped his massive black wings and lifted off the deck. The sea was dead calm until the angel was out of sight over the horizon, then the breeze picked up, the sails filled, and waves began to lap at the bow. Titus ventured a peek from his cowed position, then stood up slowly and took one of the s grey-hairedieryeuver oars under his arm.Im going to need a new shirt, I said.You cigaret have mine, Titus said.We should sail closer on the coast, dont you think? I said.On the way, good master, Titus said. On the way.Your mother eats the fungus from the feet of lepers, I said.Ive been meaning to peach to her about that, Titus said.So we understand each other, I said.Absolutely, Titus said.Crap, Joshua said. I forgot to ask the angel about knowing women again.For the rest of the journey Titus was frequently more agreeable, and strangely enough, we didnt have to man any of the huge oars when we pulled into port, nor did we have to financial aid unload or load any cargo. The crew avoided us alto attainher, and tended the pigs for us without our even asking. My fear of sailing subsided after a day, and as the quieten breeze carried us north, Joshua and I would watch the dolphins that came to ride the ships bow wave, or lie on the deck at night, breathing in the olfactory sensation of cedar coming off the ships timbers, listening to the creaking of rope and rigging, and trying to imagine aloud what it would be like when we found Balthasar. If it hadnt been for Joshuas constant worrying about what sex was like, it would have been a pleasant journey indeed.criminal conversation isnt the only sin, Josh, I tried to explain. Im happy to help out, plainly are you going to have me steatimel so I can explain it to you? Will you have me butcher somebody neighboring so you can understand it?No, the difference is that I dont want to kill anyone.Okay, Ill tell you again. You got your loins, and shes got her loins. And even though you call them both(prenominal) loins, theyre disparate I understand the mechanism of it. What I dont understand is the feeling of it.Well, it feels good, I t octogenarian you that.But that doesnt seem right. why would the Lord make sin feel good, then condemn man for it?Look, why dont you try it? I said. It would be cheaper that way. Or better yet, hitch married, then it wouldnt even be sin.Then it wouldnt be the corresponding, would it? Josh asked.How would I know, Ive never been married.Is it al slipway the same for you?Well, in some ways, yes.In what ways?Well, so far, it seems to be moist.Moist?Yeah, scarcely I cant say its constantly that way, just in my experience. Maybe we should ask a harlot? fall apart yet, Joshua said, looking around, Ill ask Titus. Hes older, and he looks as if hes sinned a lot.Yeah, well, if you count throwing Jews in the sea, Id say hes an expert, but that doesnt mean Joshua had playact to the stern of the ship, up a ladder to the raised poop deck, and to a small, open-sided tent that acted as the captains quarters. to a lower place the tent Titus reclined on a pile of rugs, suping from a wineskin, which I saw him hand to Joshua.By the sequence I caught up with him Titus was saying, So you want to know about jazz? Well, son, you have come to the right place. Ive fucked a thousand women, half again as numerous boys, some sheep, pigs, a few chickens, and the odd turtle. What is it you want to know?Stand past from him, Josh, I said, taking the wineskin and handing it choke to Titus as I pushed Joshua rear. The fury of god could hit him at any moment. Jeez, a turtle, thats got to be an abominatio n. Titus flinched when I mentioned the wrath of God, as if the angel efficiency return to perch on his mast any second.Joshua stood his show. Right now lets just stick with the women part of it, if thats all right. Joshua patted Tituss arm to reassure him. I knew how that touch felt Titus would feel the fear run out of him like water.Ive fucked every kind of fair sex there is. Ive fucked Egyptians, Greeks, romishs, Jews, Ethiopians, and women from places that havent even been named yet. Ive fucked fat ones, skinny ones, women with no legs, women with Are you married? Joshua interrupted before the sailor started into how he had fucked them in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouseI have a wife in Rome.Is it the same with your wife and, say, a harlot?What, fucking? No, its not the same at all.Its moist, I said. Right?Well, yes, its moist. But thats not I grabbed Joshuas tunica and started to drag him away. There you have it. Lets go, Josh. Now you know, sin is moist. Make a mental note. Lets get some supper.Titus was laughing. You Jews and your sin. You know if you had more gods you wouldnt have to be so worried about making one angry?Right, I said, Im going to take spiritual advice from a guy who fucks turtles.You shouldnt be so judgmental, Biff, Joshua said. Youre not without sin yourself.Oh, you and your holier-than-thou attitude. You can just do your own sinning from now on if thats how you feel. You think I enjoy bedclothes harlots night after night, describing the unit of measurement process to you over and over?Well, yeah, Joshua said.Thats not the point. The point is, wellthe point iswell. Guilt. I mean turtles. I mean So I was flustered. Sue me. Id never look at a turtle again without imagining it being molested by a scruffy Phoenician sailor. Thats not disturbing to you? Imagine it right now. Ill wait. See?Hes gone mad, Titus said.You chuck out up, you scurvy viper, Joshua said.What about not being judgmental? Titus said.Thats him, Jo sh said. Its different for me. And suddenly, having said that, Joshua looked as sad as I had ever seen him. He slouched away toward the pigpen, where he sat down and cradled his head in his manpower as if hed just been crowned with the weight of all the worries of mankind. He kept to himself until we left the ship.The Silk Road, the main vein of trade and custom and culture from the Roman world to the Far East, terminated where it met the sea at the port metropolis of Selucia Pieria, the harbor city and naval stronghold that had fed and guarded Antioch since the time of Alexander. As we left the ship with the rest of the crew, Captain Titus stopped us at the gangplank. He held his hands, palm down. Joshua and I reached out and Titus dropped the coins wed paid for act into our palms. I might have been holding a brace of scorpions, but you two reached out without a thought.It was a fair price to pay, Joshua said. You dont have to return our money.I almost drowned your friend. Im so rry.You asked if he could swim before you threw him in. He had a chance.I looked at Joshuas eyes to see if he was joking, but it was obvious he wasnt.Still, Titus said.So perhaps you will be wedded a chance someday as well, Joshua said.A slim fucking chance, I added.Titus grinned at me. note the shore of the harbor until it becomes a river. Thats the Onrontes. appraise its left bank and youll be in Antioch by nightfall. In the food market there will be an old fair sex who sells herbs and charms. I dont dream up her name, but she has only one eye and she wears a tunic of Tyran purple. If there is a magician in Antioch she will know where to determine him.How do you know this old woman? I asked.I buy my tiger penis powder from her.Joshua looked at me for explanation. What? I said. Ive had a couple of harlots, I didnt exchange recipes. Then I looked to Titus. Should I have?Its for my knees, the sailor said. They scandalize when it rains.Joshua took my shoulder and started to lead me away. Go with God, Titus, he said.Put in a good word with the black-winged one for me, Titus said.Once we were into the wash of merchants and sailors around the harbor, I said, He gave us the money bottom up because the angel scared him, you know that?So his kindness allayed his fear as well as benefiting us, Joshua said. entirely the better. Do you think the priests sacrifice the lambs at Passover for better reasons?Oh, right, I said, having no idea what one had to do with the other, wondering still if tigers didnt object to having their penises powdered. (Keeps them from chafing, I guess, but thats got to be a dangerous job.) Lets go find this old crone, I said.The shore of the Onrontes was a stream of life and color, textures and smells, from the harbor all the way into the marketplace at Antioch. There were people of every surface and color that I had ever imagined, some shoeless and dressed to the nines(p) in rags, others wearing expensive silks and the purple linen from Tyre, said to be bleached with the blood of a poisonous snail. There were ox carts, litters, and sedan chairs carried by as many as eight slaves. Roman soldiers on ahorse stern and on stem policed the crowd, sequence sailors from a dozen nations reveled in presend and noise and the feel of land beneath their feet. Merchants and beggars and principals and whores scurried for the turn of a coin, while self-appointed prophets spouted dogma from atop the mooring posts where ships tied off along the river holy men lined up and preaching like a line of noisy Greek columns. Smoke rose fragrant and blue over the streaming crowd, carrying the smell of spice and grease from braziers in the food booths where men and women hawked their fare in rhythmic, haunting songs that all ran together as you walked along as if one passed his song to the next so you might never experience a second of silence.The only thing I had ever seen that approached this was the line of pilgrims leading( p) into Jerusalem on the feast days, but there we never saw so much color, heard so much noise, felt so much excitement.We stopped at a stand and bought a hot black drink from a purse old man wearing a tanned bird form as a hat. He showed us how he made the drink from the seeds of berries that were first roasted, then ground into powder, then mixed with boiling water. We got this whole story by way of pantomime, as the man spoke no(prenominal) of the languages we were familiar with. He mixed the drink with honey and gave it to us, but when I tasted it, it still didnt seem to taste right. It seemed, I dont know, too dark. I saw a woman leading a nursemaid goat nearby, and I took Joshuas cup from him and ran after the woman. With the womans permission, I squirted a bit of milk from the nanny goats udder onto the top of each of our cups. The old man protested, making it seem as if wed committed some sort of sacrilege, but the milk had come out warm and frothy and it served to take a way the bitterness of the black drink. Joshua downed his, then asked the old man for two more, as well as handing the woman with the goat a small brass coin for her trouble. Josh gave the second drink arse to the old man to taste, and after much grimacing, he took a sip. A smiling crossed his toothless rim and before we left he seemed to be striking some sort of deal with the woman with the goat. I watched the old man grind beans in a copper cylinder while the woman milked her goat into a deep clay bowl. There was a spice vendor next door and I could smell the cinnamon, c contends, and allspice that lay loose in baskets on the ground.You know, I said to the woman in Latin, when you two get this all figured out, try sprinkling a little ground cinnamon on it. It just might make it perfect.Youre losing your friend, she said.I turn and looked around, catching the top of Joshuas head just as he false a corner into the Antioch market and a new push of people. I ran to catch up to him .Joshua was bumping people in the crowd as he passed, seemingly on purpose, and murmuring just loud enough so I could hear him each time he hit someone with a shoulder or an elbow. improve that guy. Healed her. Stopped her suffering. Healed him. Comforted him. Ooo, that guy was just stinky. Healed her. Whoops, missed. Healed. Healed. Comforted. Calmed. pack were turning to look back at Josh, the way one will when a rum steps on ones foot, tho these people all seemed to be each smiling or baffled, not annoyed as I expected.What are you doing? I asked.Practicing, Joshua said. Whoa, bad toe-jam. He spun on his heel, nearly turning his foot out of his sandal, and smacked a short bald-faced man on the back of the head. All better now.The bald guy dark and looked back to see who had hit him. Josh was backing down the street. Hows your toe? Joshua asked in Latin.Good, the bald guy said, and he smiled, sorta goofy and dreamy, like his toe had just sent him a message that all was right with the world.Go with God, and Josh spun, jumped, came down with each hand on a strangers shoulder and shouted, Yes Double meliorate Go with God, friends, two timesI was getting sort of uncomfortable. People had started to follow us through the crowd. Not a lot of people, but a few. Maybe five or six, each of them with that dreamy smile on his face.Joshua, maybe you should, uh, calm down a little.Can you intend all of these people need healing? Healed him. Josh leaned back and whispered in my ear. That guy had the pox. Hell pee without pain for the first time in years. Scuse me. He turned back into the crowd. Healed, healed, calmed, comforted.Were strangers here, Josh. Youre attracting attention to us. This might not be safeIts not like theyre blind or missing limbs. Well have to stop if we run into something serious. Healed God bless you. Oh, you no speak Latin? Uh Greek? Hebrew? No?Hell figure it out, Josh, I said. We should look for the old woman.Oh, right. Healed Josh sl apped the pretty woman very hard in the face. Her husband, a large man in a leather tunic, didnt look pleased. He pulled a dagger from his belt and started to advance on Joshua. Sorry, sir, Joshua said, not backing up. Couldnt be helped. Small demon, had to be banished from her. move it into that dog over there. Go with God. Thank you, thank you very much.The woman grabbed her husband by the arm and swung him around. She still had Joshuas handprint on her face, but she was smiling. Im back she said to her husband. Im back. She shook him and the anger seemed to drain out of him. He looked back at Joshua with an expression of such dismay that I thought he might faint. He dropped his knife and threw his arms around his wife. Joshua ran forward and threw his arms around them both.Would you stop it please? I pleaded.But I love these people, Josh said.You do, dont you?Yeah.He was going to kill you.It happens. He just didnt understand. He does now.Glad he caught on. Lets find the old lady .Yes, then lets go back and get another one of those hot drinks, Joshua said.We found the hag merchandising a bouquet of shirk feet to a fat trader dressed in striped silks and a wide conical hat weave from some sort of tough grass.But these are all back feet, the trader protested.Same magic, better price, said the hag, pulling back a shawl she wore over one side of her face to reveal a whitish white eye. This was obviously her intimidation move.The trader wasnt having it. It is a well-known fact that the front paw of a monkey is the best talisman for sexual intercourse the in store(predicate), but the back Youd think the monkey would see something coming, I said, and they both looked at me as if Id just sneezed on their falafel. The old woman force back as if to cast a spell, or maybe a rock, at me. If that were true, I continued, I mean about telling the future with a monkey paw I mean because he would have four of them paws, that is and, uh never mind.How much are the se? said Joshua, holding up a handful of arid newts from the hags baskets. The old woman turned to Josh.You cant use that many, the hag said.I cant? asked Joshua.These are useless, said the merchant, waving the hind legs and feet of two and a half former monkeys, which looked like tiny people feet, except that they were furry and the toes were longer.If youre a monkey Ill bet they come in handy to keep your butt from dragging on the ground, I said, ever the peacemaker.Well, how many do I need? Joshua asked, wondering how his diversion to save me had turned into a negotiation for newt crispies.How many of your camels are constipated? asked the crone.Joshua dropped the dried newts back into their basket. Well, uhDo those work? asked the merchant. For plugged-up camels, I mean.Never fails.The merchant scratched his pointed whiskers with a monkey foot. Ill meet your price on these worthless monkey feet if you throw in a handful of newts.Deal, said the crone.The merchant undefended a satchel he had slung around his shoulder and dropped in his monkey feet, then followed them with a handful of newts. So how do these work? Make them into tea and have the camel drink it?Other end, said the crone. They go in whole. reckon to one hundred and step back.The merchants eyes went wide, then narrowed into a squint and he turned to me. Kid, he said, if you can count to a hundred, Ive got a job for you.Hed love to work for you, sir, Joshua said, but we have to find Balthasar the magus.The crone hissed and backed to the corner of her booth, covering all of her face but her milky eye. How do you know of Balthasar? She held her hands in front of her like claws and I could see her trembling.Balthasar I shouted at her, and the old woman nearly jumped through the wall behind her. I snickered and was ready to Balthasar her again when Josh interrupted.Balthasar came from here to Bethlehem to witness my birth, said Joshua. Im seeking his counsel. His wisdom.You would hail the darkne ss, you would flow with demons and fly with the evil Djinn like Balthasar? I wont have you near my booth, be gone from here. She made the sign of the evil eye, which in her case was redundant.No, no, no, I said. None of that. The magus left some, uh, frankincense at Joshuas house. We need to return it to him.The old woman regarded me with her good eye. Youre lying.Yes, he is, said Josh.BALTHASAR I screamed in her face. It didnt have the same effect as the first time around and I was a little disappointed.Stop that, she said.Joshua reached out to take her craggy hand. Grandmother, he said, our ships captain, Titus Inventius, said you would know where to find Balthasar. Please help us.The old woman seemed to relax, and just when I thought she was going to smile, she raked her nails across Joshuas hand and leapt back. Titus Inventius is a scalawag, she shouted.Joshua stared at the blood welling up in the scratches on the back of his hand and I thought for a second that he might faint. He never understood it when someone was violent or unkind. Id probably be half a day explaining to him why the old woman scratched him, but right then I was furious.You know what? You know what? You know what? I was waving my finger under her nose. You scratched the Son of God. Thats your ass, thats what.The magus is gone from Antioch, and good ejection to him, screeched the crone.The fat trader had been watching this the whole time without saying a word, but now he began laughing so hard that I could barely hear the old woman wheezing out curses. So you want to find Balthasar, do you, Gods Son?Joshua came out of the stunned observation of his wounds and looked at the trader. Yes, sir, do you know him?Who do you think the monkeys feet are for? Follow me. He whirled on his heel and sauntered away without another word.As we followed the trader into an alley so narrow that his shoulders nearly touched the sides, I turned back to the old crone and shouted, Your ass, hag Mark my words .She hissed and made the sign of the evil eye again.She was a little creepy, Joshua said, looking at the scratches on his hand again.Dont be judgmental, Josh, youre not without creepiness yourself.Where do you think this guy is leading us?Probably somewhere where he can murder and kill us.Yeah, at least one of those.